Written for myself

Yeah, so keeping a blog updated in graduate school is difficult. Finding time to sit and do nothing is difficult. But the semester is over (except for one last take-home, case study and a dinner to turn them all in to the professor). My brain is tired. It actually hurts and I am not looking forward to taking 4 classes this summer. But I really wanted to take the elective class so four classes it is. I'd rather be at home sitting around reading books for fun, spending time with my boyfriend and going to the park or swimming with my niece and nephew. But alas, I am here with so many things that I need to be doing (like the aforementioned take home and case study) and not feeling like doing any of it. For one thing, cutting the grass yesterday out in the pollen did not do much for my allergies so my sinuses hurt today. For another, I have my monthly headache that gives way to a migraine when too much thinking or studying is involved (that sounds silly but it's actually true). Yesterday, I rearranged the furniture in my office and changed around the contents of some bookshelves. Somehow I ended up with all of these bookshelves that just had wasted space on them. I still have one left that I need to organize.

In other news, not much has changed. Still being frustrated and wondering when I am going to be asked that wonderful question with the accompanying rainbow sparkler that will make my left ring finger look oh-so-grown-up. I know it's crap. I know that. I am here to focus on my career and doing what makes me happy. But it's what I want. And I will tell you why (you knew I was going to). But before I do, I just want to point out that this is my opinion and these are my feelings. I am entitled to both and am not really looking for any input. I'm not looking to have my feelings validated b/c I don't need them to be. I am actually writing this down more for myself to get it out of the storage bank of my brain and hopefully feel better. And I know that everything I write tends to contradict itself but that is indicative of the inner dialogue I have these days. I know people are tired of hearing this stuff and I am sick to death of hearing it myself. So here's my disclaimer: WARNING: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO HEAR ME WHINE ABOUT BIOLOGICAL CLOCKS AND ENGAGEMENT.
..........................................................................................................................................................................................
..........................................................................................................................................................................................
.......................................................................................................................................................................................... ..........................................................................................................................................................................................
..........................................................................................................................................................................................
Okay, if you're still reading don't say you weren't warned. Let's start with biolgraphical info: When I was younger my aunt lived in the top floor of a studio apartment in the Fan. I don't remember much but I do remember that it had hardwood floors, seemed very spacious, had a white dressing table, big windows and great artwork on the walls and Hannah was there (my late dog cousin). I rememeber thinking how nice it was and how someday that would be me. When I was in my 20s I would be living in a similar apartment, doing my own thing, making artwork and most likely be single. Why you may ask? B/c I honestly never thought I would have a steady boyfriend. I thought I'd date, sure, but nothing serious. I thought it was cool that my aunt was independent and wanted that for myself. Now fast forward to 2006. I am living in a rental house with hardwood floors, pretty spacious, no dressing table or big windows but the artwork on the walls is mostly my own and Codee is here (my dog daughter). I' m kind of doing my own thing in so far as I am the only one who deals with me in person on a daily basis and insomuch as I am the only one going through this program. Career driven independent woman it seems...on the outside. But wait, look further and although single, I am not merely dating. In fact, I have the steady boyfriend that my childhood scenario didn't think I'd manage. Not only that but it's more than just a steady boyfriend...he's the love of my life, who began as a close friend and became more. He's my best friend and the person I want to share my life with. And it's more than just steady....it's historically long term. We're talking a decade, people. Hasn't always been so smooth but the love has been steady and it's been some impressive overcoming of hurdles. When this relationship began, it was that high school time when girls like to say "together forever." Little did I know it would last this long nor did I expect forever to be a distinct possibility. My only thoughts at that time was to have a longer relationship than most.
Anyway, the point of my reminiscience of seeing my aunt as a child was that my life seems to be paralleling hers. She dated a guy for almost a dozen years off and on and never married him. He ended up marrying someone else and later got divorced but my aunt did not resume things with him. As a child, being like my aunt seemed cool. In the reality of my 20s, it scares me to death. And here's why: b/c I have love in my life and I don't want to be like my aunt and David and have all this time and emotion invested only for it to go away. Nor do I want to match or exceed the length of that relationship. I have serious love here. This isn't puppy love or some schoolgirl crush. It's the real deal, every day with that special someone in my life, sharing the exciting and mundane moments of life, growing up together and moving forward to our lives together with the house, garage, kids and animals, etc. Now I am going to backtrack again, to an earlier memory than the one about my aunt. When I was a young kid I had a crush on a guy...we're talking all of elementary school, invited to birthday parties, etc. And being the little grown up I was at the time, I wanted to plan my budget for when I had kids, thinking I would someday marry him. You know how it is when you are a little kid and think forever really happens. So in between my “are the Easter Bunny and Santa real or do I have to pay for those gifts for my kids?” I had this dream about how old I would be when I was engaged, etc. My ideal at that time was that I would be engaged all 4 years of college (b/c remember I was gonna be Mrs. Elementary School Crush) and then get married around age 26. Don’t ask me why, 4 years of college engagement does not equal age 26 but then again I was always bad at math. Fast forward again to 2006….here I am, going to be 27 in a few months, no 4 years of college engagement, no engagement period. And since Elementary School Crush fizzled in the 5th grade when I was rejected by him in the school auditorium, none of that either. What I DO have is my high school sweetheart, 10 years and a lot of tears and obstacles later and more love for another person than I ever knew possible (hey, I thought elementary school crush feelings were intense!)
The point is not that life doesn’t work out the way you plan when you are ages 6 and 10. Nor is it a poor me scenario. What it is , is a way for me to reconcile in print what I thought I would have versus what I actually have. And try to figure out how I could go from feminist ideals of being like my aunt to total frustration of friends around me seeming to have their lives move forward and grow up before I get to. It’s indignation. It’s frustration. And it’s even a little bitterness with helplessness mixed in. How did I get here? How did I get from wanting to be independent to being pissy that I am? I keep hearing of people I went to high school with who are getting married or recently engaged to be married in a few years. I want the latter of the two. And instead of being nothing but happy I am happy for them and yet wondering what the hell? These couples have been together less years than I have, and have probably not been through all that this relationship has and survived and grown stronger from it. As the quantity of years makes a difference and entitles me to something. It does not. How does the girl who has always embraced quality vs quantity fall prey to thinking the opposite. I have quantity of years but place more importance on the quality of them. And surely these engaged couples have quality of years so quantity does not matter. You can’t schedule love on your calendar. But it irritates me that people younger than me who have been together only a short time are getting what my mind has epitomized as the ultimate show of love. And I know that’s not true. I have seen one too many marriages fail around me. So it’s not stone or forever, although the vows indicate it is and should be.
I am in a wedding this summer of one of my friends from high school. We have grown closer over the years since we first met. And she loves this guy and wanted to marry him and now her dream is coming true. It hasn’t been a cake walk, but it’s turning out the way she dreamed. And I am incredibly happy for both of them and look forward to being in their wedding. And at the same time, I am extremely bitter. That is my dream too! I have had a relationship twice as long. Where’s my dream come true? (Not here yet)Why isn’t my dream coming true? (They both have fulltime jobs using their bachelor’s degrees). Do they have more love and are better suited for each other? (You can’t measure love or determine that, it’s not a comparison). And all I can think is how many years will they be married before I get married? How many years ahead will they be? WHY DOES THAT MATTER???? (It doesn’t).

I’m not entitled to anything. It’s not a reflection on me or my relationship. It’s timing. I know that. But it still frustrates me and it still hurts. B/c it feels like when I was younger and teams were being picked on the playground and I was usually the last girl picked, what with my lack of athletic skills. The times I wasn’t picked last was b/c a friend was a team captain. It was a popularity contest, like much of life seems to be. But that’s my beef. I thought I was finally being chosen first and it seems like instead I will be among the last picked for that ultimate showing of love.

I’m going to one of my favorite places next week…a place I once dreamed of working when I wanted to be a marine biologist. And lo and behold, at that time my significant other (who was not my sig other at the time) mentioned wanting to be a marine biologist too. Oh my heart was aflutter, it must be fate! OK. So neither of us became marine biologists and I can only work with orcas in my dreams. But we are going there and my inner dialogue is SCREAMING at me, What a perfect place to take that next step. What a great engagement story to tell your kids and friends. Everyone with a wedding webpage has a poetic story about when it happened. Nope. WHY DOES IT MATTER WHAT EVERYONE ELSE HAS? WHEN DID I BECOME THIS PERSON? What happened to my beautiful idealized nonconformist, do it my own way self? Where is that girl? COME BACK! I need you! Of course, it doesn’t help that I am in a graduate program that gives you greater self awareness of yourself and brings to light all your insecurities….


Which reminds me, I have to be at a meeting in a half hour so I need to quit expressing myself and get ready. I do feel better, but nothing’s changed and it’s gonna take awhile for my inner dialogue to chill. Needless to say I don't want to be like my aunt anymore, I want to be a feminist balance between independent and committed love.