The Unknown

There will be a few more entries that will precede this one (meaning I will write and post them on the dates they occurred) but for now this entry was foremost in my mind and keeping me from concentrating on the class reading I need to be doing. I have spent the past 4 days pretty much doing nothing. Since 11:30 on friday I have done much of nothing. And I have slept in until at least 10:30 for the past 3 days, one day getting as much as 12 hours of sleep. I couldn't figure out why. I knew I cut the grass with that incredibly difficult lawnmower on Friday but it doesn't usually take that many days to recover. I finished reading the Da Vinci Code on Saturday (phenomenal book) but other than that I have not been up to much. And my body just feels heavy, which I couldn't figure out. Except today I realized what it is. I was looking for new songs to post on my page and found myself drawn to The Wallflowers. I've always liked The Wallflowers but it depends on my mood as to which song I relate. And today it was all of the melancholy songs. After curling up on the couch and listening to several it dawned on me why. I am terrified. I am terrified for my father, for my mother, for myself and for my 2 brothers. I feel like I should be at home right now but I also know that it is important for me to take these summer classes to get my degree next year. To bring it up to date, my father went for a stress test a few weeks ago, which indicated that a scan was necessary to see if his abdominal aneurysm had grown. It has and it is to the size that they recommend surgery to remove it b/c otherwise there is a greater likelihood of it bursting. Beginning next week, my dad has appts to get 3 different opinions on the surgery and who is best able to do it with the most success rate. The problem is that my father is not a good candidate for surgery b/c of his heart problems, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. This is the man who had quadruple bypass last year and a few weeks LATER had a heart attack. One of the major complications of the surgery can be a heart attack. One of the complications of leaving the aneurysm alone is that if it ruptures it could go straight to the heart. I am extremely close to my father. I am terrified of losing him. This is the man who drives down to see his "Girls" when my pup and I are unable to come home for a few weeks. The man who has taken the most amazing care of his family for so many years and has such an incredible work ethic that I was one of the few children to get to see him while we were growing up only b/c by the time I came along he had cut back his hours. This is the man who I want to walk me down the aisle one day and give me away, yet at the same time I hope never gives me away b/c I don't want to lose him. He's had lots of surgeries before and always comes through them just fine. Only later there are oftentimes unexpected complications, just when we get comfortable. I guess we shouldn't get comfortable. And that is what is up with me these past few days. I have had enough down time on my own that all of this has sunken in and it makes my body feel extremely heavy. No one ever has any guarantees but this really frightens me. And it sucks that I don't have anyone around to share it with but maybe it is better that way. I've never liked the unknown in my own life which is unfortunate b/c life is pretty much all unknown as far as outcomes. It also makes me wonder about my use of time the past few years. When faced with a surgery of daddy's I always pray that I will just have more time with him. So he can walk me down the aisle, so he can see me graduate with a master's degree, so he can see his human grandchild and spend time with them that first few years, so he can enjoy his retirement and being a grandfather. These are my wishes and my hopes that I want to share with my daddy. Are they selfish? Probably. Are they necessary? To me, yes. I won't have a master's degree before next summer, I won't have a grandchild for who knows how long b/c I won't have a wedding for who knows how long. In fact, I don't like to admit it, but I think I have pretty much given up on the idea of being proposed to in the next few months, let alone the next few years. Which just adds to the heaviness I feel. It was important to me to have my father's permission and for my Bf to ask for that but he just puts it off. But that's for another entry. I don't know anything about my dad's surgery or even if he will have it. But not having it is equally as terrifying b/c of the time bomb nature of the aneurysm. I wasn't even going to write anything public about it until I knew more about dates and timelines, but I felt like I needed to get it out so I could focus on my school reading. Which I will go back to now. I'm not asking for anything from those who may read this entry, except perhaps for positive thoughts and prayers if you are the praying kind. And maybe some support though I don't what that would be right now b/c I don't feel like talking about it at this point and I don't have any cow road to think on....though I am surrounded by cows here, it's not the same. I'm taking the death, loss and grief class right now and it further terrifies me that somehow that is a bad omen, even though I know it is not.