The reality is You need to do it now b/c You just don't know...

Tonight was my second class for death, loss and grief. I meant to blog after the one last week but I was too tired. I'm tired now but there is much running through my mind that I wanted to express. We were talking tonight about various issues, definitions, etc and we also talked about Tuesdays with Morrie (phenomenal book) and the messages we took away from the book. my professor mentioned that the major take-away theme of the book could be summed up in one word: Love. Basically, that love is what it all comes down to in finding meaning and purpose in life. We also discussed that love is one of those things where what you give comes back to you. That the more love you give away, the more you get back. I am fortunate to say that has really been true in my life....at least I think it has. I don't know any exact amounts of how much love I have gotten back but I know it has been substantial from the important people in my life (odds are good that if you are reading this blog as a result of me telling you the URL, then you are important in my life, so feel the love!!!). I was bored at work the other day so I sat down and wrote down all of the people I went to high school and knew as a child that have gotten married in the past few years. It was about 2 dozen people. Almost 24 people! That's alot of people my age or younger or a little older that are getting married. It irked me, as things like that tend to get under my skin these days. But then in class tonight, my professor gave another tidbit of info (I like to write what he says that I relate to in the margins of my notes). And what he said took me back to the year 1999 and early 2000 and my last 2 Florida trips(prior to the one a week or so ago) ...which made me realize why it irks me so much. What am I talking about? The following: my professor mentioned that the reality is you need to do it now (whatever it is) b/c you just don't know (what will happen, how much time you have, etc). When Uncle Johnny was sick and then when he died I realized just how short life can be and how precious each day is. And at that time I decided that I did not want to waste another moment of my life waiting for things that I knew or just living my life. I knew at that moment that I wanted 52 or 58 years of marriage to the same person. Not b/c society says so, not b/c it's the in thing to do. B/c it's what my heart wants. It's the way I want to live my love. That is a large part of why the monotony of seeing so many people in the wedding section of the paper has gotten under my skin so deeply. B/c I knew in my heart 6 years ago who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and the degree and depth that I wanted to commit to that particular person and share life with him. Every little trial and struggle since then has reinforced that for me. I know in my heart that I love ACG to such a depth that no other could touch in me. And the fact that I know that and have known that for quite some time and keep waiting for the time when he is ready to admit or not admit that to himself and in a gesture infuriates me. My life is going by each day. Each year I get older but I feel like there are parts of my life that make no forward progress. My adventure in graduate school is myself taking an active part in my life. And I try to take an active part in my romantic relationship but we aren't at the same place right now...we weren't six years ago, either. Maybe we won't ever be, which would just be so sad and seem so unfair. But life is not always peaches and sunshine. It just seems to me (and this opinion could be largely a gender thing) but it seems to me that if you spend 6-10 years of your life being with someone, overcoming things and finding your way back to one another that you know what you want from that person and you know if they are the one you want to wake up to each day. And if you don't know, that's pretty telling as well. If you can go through so much with a person and learn so much about who that person is and their character and personality, strengths and areas that could use improvement and still not be willing to take that next step to say Yea or Nay....well, then what? Let me say that again: The reality is you need to do it now b/c you just don't know.... You just don't know how many days are left, you just don't know that you will have a tomorrow, you just...don't...know. Now I can hear some of you thinking, well what's the point if you are going to not be here tomorrow? The point my friends is what Morrie said. The point is Love. The point is living. The point is not wasting a moment we have on this earth waiting for tomorrow, or next year or a couple of years from now. You are guaranteed nothing but this present moment...this moment...no wait, this one....see my point. Life is fleeting. Life is worth living, not worth waiting around for when you have more money or more time or are older or more this or that. Someone commented tonight that there is so much suffering going on around us. That is true. In order for the healing to occur, there is a lot of pain (another professor-ism). These are things that need to be dealt with. Everything is unknown. It's all faith, it's all just an instinct or a thought or idea or feeling. Believe. Think. Feel. Be. LIVE. Carpe Diem. Quit putting things off for another day, month, year. If you know it, do it. If you feel it, feel it. If you can dream it, you can do it. I'm not trying to write or quote songs. My point is that life is meant to be lived and experienced. Follow your bliss. I didn't learn from Uncle Johnny's death to pass the time waiting in limbo. I learned to make the most of my life. Actions speak louder than words. Okay, I will quote a song: "I don't want to wait for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be. Will it be yes or will it be sorry?" I don't want to have the regret of having my life pass me by, wondering where all of the years go. I may be turning 27 this year, but I certainly don't want to wait until I'm 28 to live my life. And for those of you who may be thinking have you told him this, the answer is yes in so many ways. In fact, he reads this blog. This applies to anyone reading this blog: The reality is you need to do it now, b/c you just don't know...