Daddy's girl

Sometimes I want to call my blog "The Hell with that"...sometimes that is what I feel like screaming. I spent alot of time tonight figuring out how I am going to get home and who is bringing me back...since I am sure I will be exhausted and emotional when it is time for me to come back from Daddy's surgery. The # of people waiting with us is growing by the day. Now even my dad's ex-wife from 30-some years ago is coming to wait! But the thing is, it doesn't matter how many people are waiting with us, I will still be feeling alone. In class this past Wednesday, we discussed how one person is so many things to so many different people so no too people experience the same event the same way. We were talking about a different topic but it does apply to this coming Wednesday. And as much as I want to lean on others right now I don't think anyone else gets it..aside from possibly my mother and my "youngest" older brother. And I'm sure if I sat down and explained it to my DaWghter, that she would understand too b/c she is probably as close to my daddy in a similar way. That may sound odd, but if you saw him with her you would understand. At times like this I tend to go inside of myself to process...so if you are offering me support please don't take me not wanting to hang around personally. I love and appreciate all of the support everyone gives me. I just can't talk about it right now or hear about it either. Just knowing you are there is enough and when I am ready I will call or reach out. I don't even want to reach out to my Bf but so much b/c I am the one who usually does the supporting and it's hard to switch that role b/c I am very protective of him . Although I am not opposed to lying in his arms when I curl up to cry. Oddly enough he interrupted me while I was typing this and told me that he will do whatever I want and be here if I need him. I think that is the part that others don't get about him. Even if we aren't at the same point right now, he truly does love me and is always taking care of me and looking out for me. He's Jr and dad is Sr. And I am terrified right now of losing my Sr....because it is a very real possibility and complication of this whole aneurysm thing. I had a dream last night about my wedding....I was given a really hideous diamond ring in the dream that wasn't even diamonds and was set in this horrible putrid yellow gold that was almost green. But the dream wasn't a good one...so many things went wrong but I had to go through with it anyway even tho it wasn't what I thought of for my wedding day. And one of the most wrong things in it was my daddy didn't walk me down the aisle. I know that sounds superficial and stupid but keep in mind I have wedding on the brain right now (not mine) b/c of the one I am in this summer and the one I had just received emails about...plus I had this idea that my father's permission, which is really just a formality since he likes and trusts my Bf with me..I had this idea that permission would be secured this week and it wasn't sought after all. Yes, I am getting ahead of myself. I just don't want to miss my daddy on big events like that. I don't want to miss my daddy on small events either. I sat in his room here tonight and thought about how he won't be able to come down this summer after all. It's lonely here without him and I don't want that to be a permanent thing. I know it's not about what I want, but the thing is that I have always had it in my head that I would make my daddy proud. And I know I have but I want him to reap those benefits and see me with my master's and give his little girl away (but not completely) and spend time with a little granddaughter (human) that reminds him of his Little Girl. That's when I feel like I have not spent the years since high school graduation like I could have (I'd say "should" but that goes against recent teaching). Like maybe I might have done all of this earlier and have that child now. It's not a regret, it's just being wistful and wishful. I want to be selfish. I want my daddy...and while what I have learned in my grad classes says otherwise about the basic needs...my daddy IS a basic need to me. So please excuse me if I am a little terrified, a little scared sh*tless, alittle withdrawn and a little weepy in the coming weeks. B/c complications are a definite possibility...and they don't always come right away. This is the man who had quadruple bypass surgery and then 3 weeks LATER had a heart attack. I'm more terrified than I have ever been and I want to go home. So tomorrow, I will.